I feel like a robot these days
I’m officially a COVID-19 zombie. It’s been almost a year since ‘Coronavirus’ became a part of everyday vocabulary. Because I teach children in China I was extremely tuned in from the beginning. I checked the Johns Hopkins map at least a few times a day. And then, of course, came March and we all know what happened then.
And now. Here we are. Plodding along. Still. I used to write 2-3 posts a month, but recently I haven’t been able to get out more than one post in the past several months. (My Halloween post) I had grand plans to do Thanksgiving and Christmas posts too, but that isn’t going to happen. Why? Because there’s nothing to write when you’re a COVID-19 zombie. I don’t have anything witty to say, funny stories to tell, or shenanigans in Target to brag about. My life, like almost all of yours, has become mechanical.
It feels crazy to say that since this year has been SO ridiculous. I mean, me of all people, should have LOTS of shit to say. But here I am, with all the struggles. I have so many drafts that I could simply hit publish on, but I don’t. Because they just feel… hollow. Will I even publish this one? Time will tell.
Nothing feels worth talking about
We had to rehome a dog, we adopted another dog, I enrolled in grad school, my foot most likely needs surgery, I have a cool new MYX bike, the election fiasco is a thing, I started taking a 3rd medication for depression/anxiety, I’ve lost 20 lbs, and I’ve somehow found a groove with homeschooling that allows one son to excel while his brother is thriving in private school. Why am I not sharing all of this!? That’s easily 10-15 blog posts! And they’re GOOD ones. But, again, everything just feels so insignificant. The best I can do is share videos and pictures of my ridiculous rottie. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Which is the only reason I’m writing this at all.
Becoming a COVID-19 zombie or burnout/depression, whatever you want to call it, SUCKS
It’s taking over. At least in my world. I’m so tired of waking up before 5 am to teach only to look at a phone full of notifications saying THE. SAME. THING. every damn day. More cases, more deaths, more violence, more political debauchery, and absolutely nothing (positive) new. Even the news of the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines didn’t get much of a rise out of me. It was like giving a college acceptance letter to an 8th grader. Yeah… maybe SOMEDAY.
I hate this. I hate who I’m becoming, that my kids aren’t developing age-appropriate social skills, and that I know exactly how many rolls of toilet paper we have. If you google ‘COVID depression’ you get a list of things you can do to combat it. One of the things is to take a break from ‘upsetting content’. My whole fucking life is upsetting content. Even if I do experience a win, I don’t want to celebrate it. Because… why?
This is the part where I’m supposed to lift you up.
Yeah, this is the part of the post where I’m supposed to wrap things up with a nice little bow and give you some witty positive advice to send you on your way. Something I typically take pride in when I write a post. But I can’t do it today. l just can’t. If there’s anything to say now it’s this: You are not alone. No matter how you’re feeling right now in this shit-storm that is 2020, someone else feels it too. If you can find that person and commiserate… DO IT. If you can’t, it’s a great time to invest in therapy. If you just need to bitch, my comments section/messenger/Facebook page is ALWAYS open. Go to town. I’ll listen.
Fuck you COVID. And fuck you 2020. I’m so ready to feel alive again.