Cruises are FULL of interesting folks
So if you’ve been around this blog for more than 3 seconds you know that we just got home from a Disney Cruise. I kept my last post tame because some people really just want to know about the cruise and not go into my weird warped mind.
Well, welcome to my weird warped mind people. Buckle up, this post is about the get bitchy and awkward. You’ll either love me or hate me and I’m totally fine with either outcome. Just sayin’.
Let’s start with the people who don’t suck
Why? Because maybe 70% of the people on the cruise were actually not bad at all. And they deserve some acknowledgment for their
The Benevolent Veteran
These people are cruise masters. They know it all, but not in a shitty way. They’re the kind couple in front of us in the security line telling us where to go first. They’re one of my best friends who is a cruise addict who spent hours with me leading up to the cruise answering my questions and reassuring me that I wouldn’t die in a pirate attack. These people rule and should be revered. They’re polite, patient, and kind. It should be the goal for people who cruise a lot to fall into this category. Because clearly, the Rebekah ranking scale reigns supreme now that I have been on exactly ONE cruise.
Brand new and completely clueless travelers
What’s a metal detector? Do I need to pack sunscreen to go to the beach? Who is Mickey Mouse? These folks are the ones that have probably never left their street before. They’re terrified, in awe, and need someone to hug them. I put these people in the
They don’t suck, because you don’t see them. You might HEAR them, but rarely do you see them. And when you do, they are so wrapped up in their own thing that they’re usually harmless. Unless they’re also completely oblivious to everyone around them, then they’re annoying. But in general, these people don’t suck. Or maybe they do, but just in private. I’m still a little baffled why anyone would honeymoon on a Disney Cruise… but maybe there are some weird things happening in those staterooms that I just don’t need to picture. Dammit, too late.
Kind Disney fanatics
I mean obviously, this is specific to a Disney Cruise. Or maybe you just have really strange people on your ship. But Disney Fanatics can fall into both sucky and non-sucky categories. Some of them don’t suck because they are kind (Maybe they’re also ‘benevolent veterans, eh?), not oblivious, not obnoxious, and they most likely have children that they are prioritizing. I get these people, and they are BEYOND FUN to watch.
Seasoned travel families that are not in the cult (Cruise or Disney wise)
This is where I claim my family to fall. I mean, of COURSE, I don’t think my OWN family sucks! These are people who know how to travel, but it might be their first cruise. Or they might not be huge Disney fans but thought a Marvel Day at Sea would be cool for their kids. (Literally, we booked this trip for our kids and that one day.) They know how and what to pack, they’re pros at security, and their kids know better than to throw their shoes off a balcony (true story, stay tuned). This was the majority of the passengers on our cruise. You recognize each other when you make eye contact when the 400 lb man in Mickey Ears in a Goofy T-shirt
The people who suck balls
Of course I can’t put everyone in a
The Disney cult people
Again, specific to a Disney Cruise, but these people are fucking INSANE. So the character greetings on board last 15 minutes. Which means that some people in line will NOT get a picture. To any ADULT who rushes to the front, ahead of the PRESCHOOLERS waiting patiently in line… FUCK. YOU. This is for children you douche nozzle. You do realize it’s a PERSON in that suit and not an actual magical talking mouse right? Because my kids don’t know that, but you sure as hell do. STAND DOWN BERTHA!
No joke, a full-grown woman was in line ahead of us for Mickey all decked out. Fine. BUT THEN SHE FORGOT HER AUTOGRAPH AND CUT THE LINE TO GO GET IT! You just know some 4-year-old missed his chance to high five Mickey because Bertha had to get Samantha-in-a-Mickey-Suit’s half-assed signature. Lady, I’ll fucking write ‘Mickey Loves you’ in your 38$ booklet. BACK OFF. Thinking about these people makes me
I PAID MONEY FOR THIS!
We all did Samson, chill out. These people just assume that because they spent money to be on the boat that the boat is THEIRS. And they should have EVERYTHING RIGHT DAMN NOW! Not only are they impatient, rude, and condescending, they’re also entitled beyond belief. For every dollar they spend they act like it’s 100. We are mere peasants in their path of glory and we should all perish before they spend even a moment unpleased. They are more worthy than the rest of us lowly folks.
Some of these people sat across the way from us at dinner. Their table was NOT CORRECT! It had… get this… TOO MANY CHAIRS! How dare they be seated at a table slightly larger than their immediate party?! Also, why was it not closer to the center? How dare they be assigned a table they deemed unworthy. And then… they got their anniversary cake and song. It was ALL. FUCKING. WRONG. The lady was PISSED that the table was too large during this celebration. They were beyond rude to the waitstaff the entire night. It was mind-boggling.
I mean I’d kinda get it if the service was terrible (it wasn’t) or if the food was wrong (it wasn’t) or your table was filthy (it wasn’t). But the problem was that the table was TOO BIG and in the WRONG SPOT. Grow up CAROL, we all paid to be here, be happy you have a freakin’ table.
We also witness someone chewing out the staff in the Kid’s club because they had some wrong information regarding face paint or something. ARE YOU KIDDING ME DENISE?! These saints of humans are going to be watching your CHILD. Technically the most important thing in your world, and you’re going to be an asshat to them?! They’re going to take your over-sugared, overtired, probably smelly, grump muffin in with loving arms. Don’t yell at them. You should be giving them EVERYTHING THEY WANT!
The center of the freakin’ universe people
These people are similar to the I PAID MONEY folk, but there are some big differences. They’re on vacation! So clearly that means they are MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU! So they do things they probably wouldn’t in their normal lives. Maybe they save the best seats in the house with a sweatshirt for 45 minutes while they walk around. Like this:
Or they drop their trash wherever because ‘Hey this is about ME!’. You can spot these people a mile away by how they’re dressed (completely inappropriately) or by how’re they’re acting (completely ridiculous). I present to you exhibit A:
I don’t know this girl, but it was maybe 72* outside on the boat. In addition, that bathing suit was not an actual thong. She just wedged it all up there to MAKE it a thong. Sweety, you’re on a DISNEY cruise. Who on earth are you trying to attract?! I get it, it’s your time, your dream vacation, or whatever, but my small children do not need to see all that ass. And Mickey is not going to marry you no matter how hard you try. So, my dear, what is the POINT!? I mean, you DID get us all to look at you…
Completely Oblivious Idiots
These people drive me insane. It is my PET PEEVE when people block walkways, create human chains, or otherwise makes it hard to walk more than 3 feet without running into an unwashed human body. These are the folks who stop in the middle of the walkway to repack their bags or stand in front of the soda station while fiddling with their phone, or zigzag while they walk. It’s like they don’t even see other people. I have WAY too many stories about people like this on the ship, so instead, I’ll grace you with a photo of me being glorious as I imitate one of them. You’re welcome.
I’m going to throw in the parents who either just don’t watch their kids or plain don’t care into the oblivious idiots group. Guys, I full on admit my own kids can be whiny assholes and totally annoy other people. HOWEVER… I still parent them. Even when I don’t want to. Even when I’d rather just walk away. I parent them. Unlike the shoe throwing incident. So here’s the deal on THAT shitshow:
I’m standing on level 3 in the atrium. By myself. Because all of my boys are napping before a show. Up from Level 4, a pair of pink sandals come sailing over the railing and all the way down to the bottom level where Pluto is playing with some kids. The employees look but see no one. And no one claims the shoes. Then, like 10 minutes later, a little girl pops out, by herself, and grabs the shoes. She cannot be much older than my youngest son, so maybe 3-4 years old. She then proceeds to climb a CLOSED stairwell and winds up next to me crying for her parents. I’m a MOM… so of course, I’m not going to leave this little girl by herself.
Her parents are now on the deck above and see her, but keep walking and just yell to her to hurry up. UGH. So I’m walking her towards them when her sister comes up and grabs her and gives me the stink eye. HOLD UP FLORENCE! I’m helping YOUR kid sister, who just broke hella rules, and I get the STINK EYE! NOPE! There is NO WAY IN HELL I’d ever let my kids throw their shoes like that, climb a closed staircase, leave them with a stranger, and then let my OTHER kid be a total asshole to said stranger. HELL. NO. My kids would get a straight up ass-whoopin’ (Like no tablets or TV. Not spanking. I’m not that much of a bitch!) for that kind of behavior!
Just Plain Assholes
These people are probably not only jerk-faced assholes on the high seas, but they probably suck in real life too. We all know these people. They’re just mean, selfish, and ridiculous. WE GET IT STEVE! YOU ARE THE KING OF ALL ASSHOLES! These include the married men that hit on you, the guys who
The asshole teenager who tapped me on the arm and made tsk-ing noises because my SMALL CHILDREN stood in front of him at a deck show falls into this category too. He didn’t even have to MOVE, they were just standing there! This, my people, was a true asshole in training. I wonder if his parents are proud.
I imagine these people kick puppies. They blow harder than a blue whale. God, I hate these people. It only takes 1 or 2 in 1000 to completely ruin things for the rest of us. Do us all a favor STEVE, and just stay home and yell at your cats instead. At least they have the pleasure of not being able to understand you. Better yet, go get yourself some therapy.
Not everyone sucks, but when they do… they suck hard.
So there you have it folks, the 10 types of people we ran into on our Disney Cruise. Of course people are multi-faceted, so they can be in more than one bucket at a time, but for the most part, this sums it up. Those 5 types that suck? Yeah, they were enough to make us not really want to go on another cruise. They exist everywhere, but at least on land you can run away from them. Like, far FAR away. On a boat you see them OVER, and OVER, and OVER again.
All of this whining and contemplating has got me wondering what EXACTLY would be my perfect vacation? Since a mothereffin DISNEY CRUISE apparently couldn’t scratch the itch. We’ve driven across the country, gone on a cruise, done the all-inclusive resort thing… so what is it? What’s best in my book?
I think I’ll write that next.